


Five Fast-Penta Interrogations from the Works of William Shakespeare

by linman



Category: SHAKESPEARE William - Works, Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Multi, Parody, five things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-18
Updated: 2011-10-18
Packaged: 2017-10-24 18:16:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/266446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linman/pseuds/linman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Miles said:] "...Hamlet gets a tip-off that his old man was murdered by the uncle.  Unfortunately, he can't tell if his informant is telling truth or lies.  So he spends the next five acts blundering around getting nearly the whole cast killed while he dithers."</p><p>"That was stupid," said Nikki scornfully, uncoiling altogether.  "Why didn't he just use fast-penta?"</p><p>"Hadn't been invented yet, alas.  Or it would have been a much shorter play."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Fast-Penta Interrogations from the Works of William Shakespeare

**Author's Note:**

> With thanks to the usual suspects, hedda62 and Kivrin, for beta.

From _King Lear_ , Act I:

LEAR:  Insult me as thou mayst with hedging words,  
Thou canst not now refuse me answer true—  
Nor answer me a simple question thus  
With, ‘I would rather not.’ The physic works;  
I dare thee to defy me now.

CORDELIA:  I cannot.

LEAR:  Then tell me as your sisters did undrugg’d:  
How dost thou love me?

CORDELIA:  As one loves an ass:  
With rue and great affection for the same.

LEAR:  Let her be exiled!  Hence, and avoid my sight!

*

From _Much_ _Ado_ _About Nothing_ , Act IV:

 _Enter DOGBERRY, VERGES, and SEACOAL, with BORACHIO and CONRADE under guard, and SEXTON_.

SEXTON:  Master Dogberry, I have sent for the deputy apothecary.  Who is to be questioned?

DOGBERRY:  Why, these varlets here.

CONRADE:  Nay, we are—

DOGBERRY:  Hold your peace!  We shall sort you presently.  Where is the deputy?

 _Enter DEPUTY APOTHECARY with interrogation kit_.

DOGBERRY:  Deputy!  Distrain these miscreants.

SEXTON:  Why, what do they owe?

DOGBERRY:  Owe?  Treachery and knavery, sir, is what they owe.  Give me the hypospray, I shall demarcate it.

DEPUTY:  Away!  I do not trust thee to administer the physic.  By heaven, thou’rt as like to shoot thyself with it as not.

SEXTON [ _Aside_ ]:  And could any man tell the difference? —Come, deputy, prepare these men for questioning.

DOGBERRY:  Yea, let them be opinioned.

 _The DEPUTY administers the drug to CONRADE.  CONRADE slumps and grins_.

SEXTON:  What is your name?

CONRADE:  I am a gentleman, and my name is Conrade.

DOGBERRY:  The physic is not yet of full effect.  He is no gentleman, he is a gentle varlet.

SEXTON:  Soft, Dogberry!  You hinder my questions.  Conrade: you are accused of traducing the Lady Hero.  Who asked you to carry this tale to young Claudio?

DOGBERRY:  Ask him if he is a varlet, and see if he lieth.  Miscreant, are you a varlet?

CONRADE:  Away!  You are an ass, you are an ass.

DOGBERRY:  O, that it be writ down that I am an ass!

*

From _Measure for Measure_ , Act IV:

 _Country house.  ANGELO is waiting on a bed, in a state of half-undress.  Enter MARIANA, veiled, with a light._

ANGELO:  Ah, fair Isabel.  Come, let me see thee uncovered.

MARIANA:  By and by.  First, you must be shriven.

ANGELO:  A curious order, to shrive first and swive later.  But I am in your hands.

MARIANA:  I am delighted to hear it.

 _She binds him to the bed_.

ANGELO:  O, you show me an unknown face ere you ever unveil yourself.  I fear you, yet the fires in my veins leap higher still.

 _Enter the DUKE, cowled, with a hypospray_.

MARIANA:  Here is he who will shrive you.

DUKE:  Do me the honor of administering the physic.

 _He gives the hypospray to her_.

ANGELO:  What trickery is this?  I am betrayed!

 _As MARIANA presses the hypospray to his arm, the DUKE throws back his cowl.  ANGELO stares at him, then at MARIANA, who has put aside her veil_.

DUKE:  Let fires of lust soever smutch and burn,  
Betrayed is the betrayer in his turn.

*

From _Othello_ , Act II:

OTHELLO:  And did you make a cuckold of me?

DESDEMONA:  No!

OTHELLO:  You have not lain with any other man?

DESDEMONA:  Ha ha ha, no, you jealous oaf!

OTHELLO:  …Oh.

*

From _Hamlet_ , Epilogue:

FORTINBRAS:  But why did it happen thus, noble Horatio, that Prince Hamlet did not challenge the king to answer under physic?

HORATIO:  My dear prince, he could not get near the king with a hypospray, so he appeared himself thus dosed to the court.  He could answer no questions but those of a fool –

FORTINBRAS:  Asked by a fool, or answered so?

HORATIO:  Yes.

FORTINBRAS:  I see.  But he unfolded himself to you?

HORATIO:  He could not, watched every moment as he was, and he feared that I should be interrogated myself.  But before the end he told me…he told me all.  Oh, all.  A heavy brief.

FORTINBRAS:  I am well-answered, I think.  Soldier, give him the antagonist.

HORATIO:  No, no.  Let me be absent from my pain a little longer.

*

 _finis_


End file.
